Written by Kevin Lightner, dated 5/15/14
To those confused. . .
My decision to end my life was not caused by any one single thing.
It was situational and based upon the following:
1. I was in constant pain from spinal problems, likely due from being so small and lifting all those synths for decades. The least expensive operation would have cost about $70K and no, the ACA (Obamacare) didn’t cover it.
2. Due to the pain, I became bedridden and my leg muscles turned to mush.
I could no longer stand for more than a few minutes and my limit for lifting was about 15 lbs.
3. While I was able to obtain pain relievers (both legally and otherwise), I was not able to work any longer. I lost all credit, savings and had to sell my parts and tools.
Please note that pain relievers are not a magic cure either.
Using them regularly without side effects can be very difficult.
4. The demand for vintage synth repairs along with the rarity of parts meant far less income. When I started, all of my clients were professionals and by the time I quit, they were all salesmen, collectors and amateurs. All the pros went digital. Due to the nature of products in the Chinese dominated electronics market, few items were even worth repairing. Many items I owned originally cost a lot, but became worthless later on.
5. I lost most of my family to death within 10 years- all 6 cats, my mom, dad, brother and sister. I was also cheated out of any and all inheritance from my parents by my sociopathic brother, Scott. He even stole tools I had at my father’s house, admitting he knew they were mine by my engraved initials… but still never returned them.
From two homes filled with items, the most generosity he could muster was sending me some wind chimes of my mom’s. Ironic because I already had windchimes my mother gave me years before.
6. I lost the ability to pay for my house and got screwed by my father-in-law on the deal so badly (I lost over $140K!) that my wife has disowned him as her father.
(put simply- we entered into an agreement to buy this house from him and he changed the deal to it being a “rental” when he realized he couldn’t keep his part of the deal.
I kept my end… but he didn’t keep his…. and we lost the whole place and all money paid towards it. Even the homeowner’s insurance was fraudulently filled out by him and so I paid for unusable insurance. Had their been a fire, we would have lost everything (and he would have been prosecuted for fraud and perjury.)
7. With no money coming in, I was unable to obtain medical or dental help.
My teeth rotted and fell out over time. I looked like some meth-mouthed hillbilly.
With this said, there was no way to socialize, try to obtain some other job, etc.
No one takes you seriously when you’re missing teeth.
8. In general, the economy was poor. The rich got richer and the poor, poorer.
(this is well documented by economists- it’s not an opinion.)
So… basically it was all due to a lack of money, a lack of purpose and people who didn’t keep their promises or were just too greedy.
As to the reason I chose to die, I didn’t want to be a burden to my wife forever.
She deserves a life, not being a caregiver to some bedridden, toothless has-been.
Quite simply, I couldn’t afford to live without charity and refused to be a begger the rest of my life. No one owed me a life and my capabilities and opportunities were less than ever.
So those are the basic reasons and were mostly financially based.
I know there are people filled with suggestions and recommendations, but for various reasons, most of those were unworkable.
Many people did donate money and offered suggestions, but no one owed me a living.
I grew weak, became broke and left my body to medical science.
It’s as simple as that.
As to those people that will cite selfishness, make “he should have….” or “why didn’t he…” type statements, you likely have no clue what you’re talking about.
This includes medical tourism, benefit concerts, writing a book, practicing the art of (fill in the blank), etc.
Indeed, there’s a 100% chance you will die, but many of you will not prepare for it despite it being the only sure thing.
Oppositely, there’s roughly 50% of the people who put their faith into completely unsupported beliefs like religion.
So oddly enough, the most certain thing ever is rarely considered and often avoided, while entirely unproven belief systems get a lot of time and money spent upon them.
Anyway, I tried to do good work and succeeded more than many ever will.
Things could have been worse and I was grateful for what I had.